


Castiel's Journey

by MissCockles



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-14
Updated: 2013-02-27
Packaged: 2017-11-29 07:15:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/684291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissCockles/pseuds/MissCockles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in season 8, after episode 10 "Torn and Frayed". This is your warning!<br/>Castiel is being taken over completely by Naomi, and his only way of escape is by falling from Heaven. When he falls, he decides that it's better if he doesn't see Dean again, and so he leaves and takes on a new life of his own. For two years he was satisfied as a mortal, but Dean kept appearing in his dreams, not knowing that he was being called by the one person he needed most. For two years he was able to keep his distance from the Winchesters, but when he spots the boys in his town in the middle of a case, his life changes once again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Castiel Awakes

**Author's Note:**

> This was actually not a total idea by me. Novinous from Tumblr came up with the prompt and I am gladly making her fanfiction idea come to life. So please enjoy.

When Naomi took me that day, the last time I had seen the Winchester boys, it felt like my very own Grace was breaking. I knew what I was doing and I could not stop it. Her power was beyond my control, and with my last effort, I fell.  
Falling was painful, but I did it. I had shot out of the sky, looking like a mere shooting star, when really, I was so much more. My whole being burned as the Grace I had for millennia burned out of me. I knew that this was my only chance of surviving Naomi’s clutches.  
As I fell to the Earth, I could feel my wings being taken away. Memories that tried to escape, but I clutched at them. I needed these memories, not just for myself, but for the future of the planet. I kept my thoughts on the most important things – Bobby Singer, an old drunk; Sam Winchester, the boy with the demon blood that I pulled out of Lucifer’s cage; and Dean Winchester, the boy I saved from Hell for no other purpose than to follow orders. At least, that was my purpose then. But as I think about it now, was it more? Was there more to why I saved him? My thoughts turned into oblivion as my body – once my vessel – became taken over by sleep.

I awoke what must have been half a day later, the sun was more than halfway across the sky. I stood slowly, my limbs and muscles aching from the fall. I knew I was not an angel anymore. I felt…human. I have emotions. I have wants. Needs. This was all so much. This body, Jimmy’s body, was now mine. Mine to control. Mine to change. But I knew I could never harm this body. It was far too important.  
I examined myself like it was the first time I had ever seen this body. Flexing my hands and shifting my feet. I had to keep myself from smiling. _I was safe! Naomi cannot touch me now._ “My name is Castiel." I said slowly, "my soul belongs to Dean Winchester," the names tasting foreign, but my heart swelled. Dean Winchester. The boy – no, the man – who I saved for my own personal reasons. I knew that now. His life was my whole purpose for coming to Earth. I had to find him. I had to show him what I had done to protect both him and myself. But first, I had to find out where I was.  
The area around me was calm. Blue skies, lovely trees and grass. But it was in the middle of nowhere. I would have to journey to find the closest town. Just then, I wish I didn’t fall, but I shook my head and remembered why I did so. I would have to keep myself from those thoughts, these new emotions could overpower me. I stretched slowly, still observing the area. There was a barn a few yards behind me, but all else was deserted. I shrugged and started heading off towards the north, at least I thought it was the north. I wasn’t sure where anything was anymore.  
I remembered seeing Dean and Sam in Lynch, Nebraska before I fell, but who knew if they were still there now. I couldn’t see them anyway. I wouldn’t want to see Dean’s face when I returned. But I had to. He must be worried for me, he had seen what had happened that day. How long has it been? Time is not in my factor now, either. I sighed, rubbing a bruise that had formed on my arm. I was told that if an angel fell, they were reborn. But my Grace must have let me remain how I am. For Dean and the others. I was grateful, even if I was no longer human, I still had faith in Heaven.  
I found a dirt road not far from where I had awoken, but it was deserted. Nothing but trees and grass for who knew how long. I knew I had to find water and food soon, I was human now. I could die and never come back. I shivered at the thought. _I have to do this for Dean._ I straightened and headed down the road, picking a random direction. I would find out where I am and then go from there. I would find Dean again. I would always find Dean.

It took me until sunset to find the small town. It was small, but big enough for tourists to enjoy on their way through. It turns out I was in Springfield, South Dakota. 40 miles away from Lynch, according to a local gas station worker. With new energy at how close I was to seeing Dean again, I bought some snacks, a few water bottles and thanked him. I had barely any money, I wasn’t even sure where it came from. Was it Jimmy’s? I knew walking wasn’t the best idea, but it was all I had. I sipped the water first, saving my food for when I became hungry. It was only an hour drive by car, said the worker, but walking…I probably wouldn’t get there until tomorrow at dawn. I sighed, not able to imagine the work and labor it would take me to walk that long distance. I wasn’t worried about the dark; I knew everything there was to be known. Thanks to Bobby. But…do I dare walk it? What if I don’t make it? What if I get lost because it’s dark out? What if I get there but Dean had already taken off? What do I-  
“Hey, mister!” I heard a yell to my left, causing me to jump and drop my food. I rushed to pick them up before looking to the sound. “Yeah?” I saw a young woman, must be around 27 years old, but then again, I didn’t know these things. She looked strong and proud of herself. Her black, shoulder-length curly hair soft. Her brown eyes were warm, even from this distance I could tell that. This was someone you could be friends with, but wouldn't want to stab in the back. “You need a ride? I’m heading to Bristow, Nebraska. I can give you a ride if you’re heading that way.” I gasped, almost dropping my things again. “I actually n-need to get to Lynch…” I said, why was this good luck happening? What’s going to go horribly wrong? “Great, I’m headed right through there. Jump in.” I breathed a sigh of relief and got into her small Toyota Camry. It was spacious, but it wasn’t the Impala. I sank into the seat, feeling exhausted. I had only walked about a half hour, but walking was such terrible pain.  
“So, what’s your name?”  
“Castiel.”  
“That’s it? No last name?” I looked at her confused, _a last name?_ Oh, of course. “Novak.” I explained quickly, using Jimmy’s last name. It was only fitting. “Novak? Huh. Never heard that one before. I'm Nora Atkinson. Why you going to Lynch?” _This girl sure did talk…_ “I’m meeting a friend.” I shifted. “What’s her name?”  
“Her?”  
“Yeah, I can only assume by your shifting and the fact that you were willingly wanting to walk seven hours living on junk food and water would mean you’re meeting up with someone special. Am I right?”  
“I…um…no.”  
“No?”  
“Dean is not female.”  
“Oh.” It went silent and I wondered if I had said something wrong. All I had done was say his name, right? “So you and him…”  
“Are friends, yes.”  
“Oh. He must be special, if you’re so jumpy and willing to do this.”  
“I suppose he is…” I looked out the window, watching the trees and buildings flash by. I’ll be able to see Dean soon. My heart swelled and I sighed, not stopping the smile spreading across my lips. I will see Dean again.


	2. Decisions

Not an hour later we pulled in front of a motel. It was dark, but the shine of the almost-full moon exposed the gleam of the black Impala. My breath hitched when I saw it. I found out that it had only been two days since I had seen the vision of the Winchesters, and that it was getting close to the summer time. I silently prayed to God my thanks for letting me see them so soon and pushed open the car door. “Wait here, please…if you don’t mind?” I asked, looking at her. “I don’t think I’m ready to see him yet, but I would like to check in.” She gave me a small nod. I stood out of the car, ready to knock on the door and pull Dean to me. Energized from the thought, I headed towards the door, not looking back. All I had to do was knock and Dean would answer and everything would be back to normal.  
I got to the door, my fist raised, but I stopped. Would Dean want to see me? What if he moved on and lived his life like he did before he went to Hell and I pulled him out? What if he…doesn’t need me? I lowered my arm and noticed the window shade was open, big enough for me to peek inside. They were in there, that was for sure. The TV was going as Dean lay on one of the mattresses, watching some show that I would never understand. And Sam, typical Sam, doing his research on their current case. I exhaled sharply and leaned against the wall. They didn’t need me. They had each other. I decided then that I would find my own path, I would leave Dean to do what he wanted, I wouldn’t put more burden on him. I turned my back, running my hand over the metal of the Impala as I walked past, and headed back to the car, getting in silently. I would find a way to live this mortal life without Dean; it was all we could hope for. She didn’t question my actions, and so she pulled away, heading to her home.

Not three weeks later was I feeling more mortal than the day I had woken up in the meadow. Nora decided that I live with her until I got on my feet. I explained to her that I woke up in a field with only the memories of the man I would no longer be after, with only little cash and no home to go to. She told me that her home had a spare room and there was space for me, since I had no belongings except for the clothes on my back. She offered to bring me shopping that next day, getting me new clothes and any small accessories I would like. I didn’t get much, just a few books, and dark clothing. She had a good paying job as a nurse at the local hospital, and I got the home to myself while she was gone, though I spent most of the time outside looking to the sky. I wondered constantly if I had done the right thing, letting Dean think that I was still in Heaven. Still trapped in the nightmare that I would no longer be able to see other than my memories. I realized I started to drink, not your average soda, but beer bottles. One after the other. I couldn’t figure out if it was from the stress of losing my Grace, or if it was the loss of Dean. I didn’t rest on it for too long.  
I enjoyed being around Nora. She was 32 years of age and she had never married. She never much cared for dating because she loved spending as much time as she could at her job. She enjoyed helping the senior citizens and the little children when she was needed. She was nice, and I wondered constantly how much she enjoyed me at home. Since I had came, she didn’t spend as much time at work as she did before. She left at 4am and returned home around 3pm each day, asking me how my day went and if I wanted to go out for supper. I went out with her constantly, to bars, to restaurants, to the mall. Anywhere that the two of us enjoyed that was stress-free and let us be ourselves. Over the course of six months, she taught me how to drive and be human. I got my license, found a good paying job that wasn’t too hard, and I knew how to do more human things than I had earlier that year. But it soon turned on me, coming faster than I could imagine.  
It was six months and three weeks since I had become mortal. We had gone to a bar on a Friday night after she got home from a late-shift, not returning back to me until 9pm. There were many sick people in the hospital that day and she was stressed from the hard work, so we went to the bar to relax and have fun. I let her have too many strong drinks and so I carried her back home, driving slower than she had ever done. When we returned home, I carried her to her room and lay her on her back, smelling the aroma of her lilac perfume. I inhaled, enjoying the scent as I stood to look down at her. “Cas,” she gurgled, picking up the nickname. It didn’t sound the same when it wasn’t Dean saying it, it didn’t burn in my heart when it was said. I rested my hand on her arm, “yeah? Do you need some water?” I asked, knowing that water would be the best solution for the circumstances. She shook her head and pulled my shirt collar down, kissing me roughly. I gasped and tried to pull away but she was too strong, even with her drunk to the Heavens. I gave in though; the liquor and feeling of loneliness making me give in.  
That was the first night I had sex.

It remained that way for weeks, every Friday we would go out, no matter what time she had gotten home from work and the day would end with more kissing and touching. It didn’t affect me in anyway, my body went through the motions, panting, moaning, climaxing. But it just wasn’t satisfying. I never looked at her during these periods of time, I always watched the clock or stared at the wall or ceiling. Anything but look at her. When she came home one day from work, tears running down her face and anger in her eyes I knew something was wrong.  
“You got me pregnant!” She screamed at me, cursed at me, calling me every name imaginable. I became confused and she even tried hitting me. “You’re lucky I work at a hospital, boy!” She continued as I escaped towards my room. “I got an abortion today free of charge!” She banged on my door heavily, her voice muffled from the thick wood. I sat on the bed, waiting until her screams died down and I heard crying. “I’m sorry…” I whispered to no one, staring out the window to watch the wind blow at the leaves. What would Dean do in these circumstances? Had they ever happened to him? What would he tell me?  
My drinking stopped that night and I just let nature become my drug. I spent most of my waking hours outside, watching the clouds roll by and the children run around in their lawns. I loved the peace and I wanted it forever, but Dean…nothing would ever keep Dean away.  
For months following it was quiet at home, nothing was said between the two and she allowed him to remain there. He knew he would have to find an apartment soon if he wanted to let her live her life in peace. They ate alone and neither went out to party again, they wouldn’t even watch television together. As the weeks turned into months, Cas became agitated and went back to bars, meeting tons of girls but never taking any home. It just wasn’t right. He enjoyed their flirting and temptations, but it just didn’t soothe him. He realized one night how bad he wanted Dean back. Each day, more and more pain appeared in his eyes as Dean overwhelmed his life again.  
Not a year later, when the need to see Dean almost choked him in his sleep, did he walk out of his room with a suitcase filled and heading towards the door. “Where are you going?” Nora asked, looking up from the television, liquor piling beside her, more than half the bottles empty. She still went to work, but she was constantly drinking. Ignoring me the best she could day after day. “I found what I was looking for and so I’m leaving. I don’t need your hospitality anymore, though I thank you as best I can for doing what you did to help me through the past two years.” I looked at her, my back straight and my pride complete. I was going to return to Dean. After all this time I would see him again, I knew it. I just had to find out where he was. “Well…if that’s all, good luck I guess. Though I really don’t give two shits anymore.” She waved me off and I remained silent, pushing myself out of the door. Fresh air was all I needed for the moment.  
I knew what I had to do now.  
I put my bag in the trunk, started the car and headed to the town library. I would search for the most recent supernatural happenings. Surely the boys would turn up there, wouldn’t they?  
Not three hours of researching over the internet did I find the perfect spot. I was going to Boulder, Colorado.


	3. Why?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is somewhat inspired by Vanessa Carlton's song A Thousand Miles.  
>  _"If I could fall into the sky,_  
>  Do you think time would pass me by?  
> 'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles,  
> If I could just see you,  
> Tonight.
> 
>  
> 
> _It's always times like these,_  
>  When I think of you and I wonder,  
> If you ever think of me.
> 
>  
> 
> _'Cause everything's so wrong,_  
>  And I don't belong living in your  
> Precious memories."

He was determined to find Dean, even if it took him the rest of this lifetime. He would find Dean and he would explain himself. He would let Dean know why he fell, why he even pulled him out of Hell. He would explain everything. There would be no secrets.  
It took him five days to get to Boulder, Colorado. With little sleep and even less food. He was happy when he found a cheap hotel for him to stay at, and even happier when he woke up the following morning to find the Impala not three spaces down from his own vehicle. He decided to wait until later to approach the Winchester. He knew things would be difficult, and he knew he needed to eat a healthy portion of food. He headed out to a small diner, sucking down pancakes and sausages. He had to hold himself from moaning out loud from how good the food tasted. He was swallowing the last of his coffee when Sam and Dean walked into the diner.  
 _No, not now!_ He should have known that they’d show up here, this was the only diner closest to the hotel that they could afford with the little money they had. I shook my head, angry at myself for being so stupid. I opened a menu and hid somewhat behind it, trying not to look suspicious. I didn’t need them seeing me yet, I wasn’t prepared. I laid down a twenty dollar bill, hoping that would cover the fees and quietly went to the front door, managing to get outside and into my truck before I was spotted. They had parked right beside me. I caught myself staring at the automobile and I sighed, turning the car on and shifting out of the parking lot. I had to figure out a way to approach him.

It was 1pm before I came back to the hotel, exhaling sharply when the impala was back in its spot. I parked in my spot and got out, gripping the items in my hand, my hands were sweating and I had to constantly wipe them on my dark blue jeans. I walked up to their hotel room door and sighed, taking deep breaths before knocking on the door. I stepped back and waited, my stomach clenching and flipping every which way. This had to be the worst feeling in the world. Not a minute later did Dean open the door, a gun held in his hand and his expression hard. I held my breath; our eyes locked what felt like eternity. “Hello, Dean.” I said finally, pulling the flowers from behind my back. “It's been a long time. I-I…um. I got you these.” I held the flowers out to Dean, giving a small smile. “You got me…flowers…” he said slowly, his eyes leaving mine to look at the flowers in my hand. He shook his head, running his hand over his face. “Jesus, Cas…you don’t just show up out of the blue, alright?” He took the flowers and tossed them to the ground, pulling me into a tight hug. “Damn it, I don’t believe this. You’re actually back. You’re alive.” His breath felt warm when it brushed through my hair and I sighed, wrapping my arms tightly around him, inhaling the scent of the impala and just Dean. I could have stayed there forever.  
“Dean, come here I got someth- Cas.”  
“Sam…” I pulled out of Dean’s embrace, looking around him to the younger brother, unhappy that he had ruined the best moment I had had in two years. “You’re back.”  
“Indeed.” I responded flatly, my hand still on Dean’s side. “I didn’t expect you back, I mean…the way you were when you left. How did you get here?” I shook my head slowly and looked at Dean. “Dean…” I breathed deeply, “Sam. I’ve missed you.” I looked over at them both, watching Dean nod once but never looking at me, Sam grinned. I frowned, “are you o-“  
“No. I’m not okay, man. You’ve been gone for almost two and a half years and then all of a sudden you show up! What the hell happened out there? Where have you been?”  
I sighed loudly, running my hand over my face. “I’m mortal, Dean. I have been.”  
“What do you-“  
“I mean I’m not an angel anymore. I fell two years ago. I had to escape Naomi, Dean. I had to get away before she tried to make me kill you.” I closed my eyes, feeling heavy. “I was in Bristow, Nebraska for two years. I was right outside your door in Lynch, but I couldn’t make myself see you. I didn’t want to see you angry and hurt.”  
“And you think now was better? Cas, I’ve been praying to you for two years and all this time you’ve just been mortal? I…I needed you, man. All this time…” I heard him sigh and I bit my lip, my chest hurt. “I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t mean to hurt you…”  
“Right. Just like you didn’t mean to do anything else you had done! Forget it! Take your stupid flowers when you go, will ya?” Dean turned his back to me, grabbing his jacket off the chair and heading to the impala, getting in it angrily and driving off. I watched him go before I turned to Sam. He would understand.  
“Sam-“  
“I’m glad you came back, Cas. Dean’s been really…different, since you’ve left. I don’t think he’s been sleeping much. I-oh. Why don’t you come in?”  
“I don’t know…if Dean comes back and sees I’m still here…”  
“Forget about him, you know how he gets. He’ll cool off eventually.” I gave a small smile, I did know Dean best. “Alright, I guess. But not long.” I passed Sam and sat on the mattress I assumed was Dean’s, it was just plain messy. I observed the room, not noticing anything different from their usual setup. I sighed.  
“So…where’ve you been these last two years if you were mortal?”  
“Ruining someone’s life, actually…”  
“Oh…”  
“Yeah, she was nice though. Picked me up on the side of the road, became my best friend. Hell, we even-…” I shook my head. “It’s over now. I didn’t even see a point as to why I did those things. Dean…I couldn’t help it.” I closed my eyes, sighing.  
I explained the last two years to Sam in detail, ranting for a full half hour before my story was over. Tears pricked in my eyes and I rubbed at them furiously. “I-I should leave…Dean might be coming back. I-I’ll check in later…” I stood up and left the motel room before Sam could object, slipping into my room without being followed. I leaned against the door, sighing heavily. I decided that I would shower and then try again. I had to get Dean to listen to me.

I met up with them later that evening, they were leaving to check out a new hit and I stopped them. “Dean wait!” I swallowed and headed over to them, keeping my eyes on Dean. He had tensed and I wanted to scream at him for hating me so much. “Cas.” Sam called, raising his hand slightly in a wave, his door open of the impala. I stood near the front end, careful not to get too close to Dean yet. “Dean I-“  
“Did that really happen?”  
“What?” I looked at him, confused. Sam cleared his throat and got into the car, shutting the door behind him. “Did that happen, with Nora? Seriously. The hell did you think you were doing?” Dean came closer, causing me to step back and trip backwards over the cement block that indicated parking spaces. Dean gripped my collar, keeping me from falling onto the tar. My eyes widened as his came closer, my hands going to his sleeves to grip them in case he let go. “D-Dean-“  
“Shut up. You seriously got that poor woman pregnant? Because you were too stupid to come back to me?! Damn it, Cas. How stupid can you get? We could have helped you, man. We could have let you start your human life normally. In a good way, or at least the best this kind of life offers…”  
“Dean. I don’t regret staying at Nora’s. I learned so much more human qualities. I learned right from wrong. Don’t you get it? I did it so that when I came back, I knew how to be more human. I did it for you, Dean. I waited so that you could be happy. I did it for you…” my voice faded as the rush left me, making me feel cold and vulnerable. Dean helped me stand and he let go of my shirt, giving me a heavy sigh. “Sam!” He waved to Sam, turning his back to me as he went to his door, opening it. “I…have to talk to Cas. Why don’t you go so we can get this over with?” Sam nodded, understanding far too easily, and got out, coming around the car to get in behind the wheel. It was getting late, surely the citizens they were going to talk to would want to sleep soon. “I’ll be back soon.” He pulled out slower than Dean would and I remained silent. _Dean wanted me alone_.  
“Cas.” He said sternly as soon as the car was out of sight. “You’ve got a lot of explaining to do.” He went to his room and opened the door, sitting heavily on the mattress, pulling off the tie he had tightened around his neck. I watched his fingers closely, my fingers itching to get close. I shook my head, trying to get rid of the thoughts. I followed him inside, shutting the door behind me.  
“Yeah?”  
“I don’t believe you.”  
“Seriously? For fuck’s sake, Dean. I’m telling you the truth! Sure, I’m sorry that I got her pregnant and got her into drinking, but Hell, me being more human by getting a job and earning money and actually being a human being was for _you_.”  
“Why is it all for me? Why am I so important? You do so much, Cas. You don’t get anything in return. Tell me what you want. For once in my life, just let me make _you_ happy for once.”  
I shook my head, looking away. I couldn’t tell him that he was what I wanted. Just not yet. I had worked far too hard to get where I am now, I didn’t need to ruin it on three simple words. “I can’t, Dean. I can’t tell you what I want. I can’t tell you what will make me happy. Though this is the happiest I’ve been since I became mortal.” Dean shifted on the bed, “don’t you understand yet? Everything I’ve done – everything I do - is all for you. You are why I came to Earth, you are why I went to Hell, and you are why I became mortal. I need you, Dean. Far more than Sam does, even I know that now.” Dean gave a sharp chuckle, causing me to go into shock. “You’re _laughing_?” I glared at him, wondering what the hell was so funny.  
“That was my line back in purgatory, Cas. ‘I need you.’ Why? Why in the world would we need each other? What makes you so important to me?” He shook his head, looking to the ceiling. “Sometimes I wonder…” he paused, not taking his eyes off the ceiling. “You wonder?” I urged, my heart picking up its pace. “Just how much do I mean to you, for you to do so much?” He looked right at me now, almost seeing right through my soul. I shivered, looking away again. “I-I’m afraid I can’t…tell you.” I flew onto the other mattress, the side of my facing burning from the punch Dean had just laid on my cheek. “Don’t you fucking play with me, Cas! Alright?” He came to me, pinning me to my back, his glare caused me to flinch and look away, but he wrenched my head back, causing me to groan from the sharp pain. I closed my eyes tightly, “f-fine! Just let go of me, Dean! I’m not as strong as I used to be.” He let go of my face but remained keeping me pinned. I coughed, panting. I waited a moment before opening my eyes to meet his, my blue eyes shivering into a darker shade as I said the three words I had repeated over and over since the moment I awoken in that field alone and hurt.  
“I love you.”


	4. Lust

“I love you, Dean. I have, for…well, since I pulled you out of perdition. That is why I pulled you out, because I needed you. I couldn’t let you stay there and be tortured and torture in return. I just couldn’t take it. It tore at me from every inch of my Grace and I just-“ I stopped, Dean had quickly moved to the window, glaring out in silence. I sat up, rubbing at my jaw from where he had grabbed me. “Dean…” I stood up, heading towards him slowly. He flinched when I called his name and I sighed, resting my hand on one of the room’s chairs. I dropped my gaze to the floor, feeling utterly pathetic. “I’m sorry. This…this should be hard for you. I understand…” I rolled my shoulders and headed towards the door, reaching for the handle. I would leave Dean alone, it was the only thing I could do.  
Suddenly Dean’s hand slammed on the wood, making me jump and take several steps away, my arms raising in defense. “D-D-“ I didn’t dare finish, I remained silent, watching his eyes rise from the carpet to my face. I sucked in a breath, waiting for him to say something. Anything. I needed him to yell, to curse, to spit in my face. I wanted him to.  
“Dean.”  
I said it only once, hoping it would cause him to start talking, to start explaining why he was so angry. Why he was keeping me trapped here when I could quietly leave and not bother until he was ready to see me again. But instead, he grabbed my shoulder, gripping it tightly. I bit my lip from making any noise, my eyes stuck on his. “Cas…” I swallowed thickly, my eyes quickly searching his face, trying to understand him like I used to do. It was impossible now, with these lousy human eyes. “Cas,” he repeated, “why? Damn it. After all this time why do you…why did you put yourself through all this trouble and pain just because you lo…” he let go of my shoulder, shaking his head slowly. “Are you sure? I mean, Hell, you’ve only been human for two years. Do you even know what love means? I hate to baby you, but…you can’t throw that word around. You know?” He gave a small shrug, leaning against the door, looking to the ceiling.  
“Dean, for a matter of fact, yes, I do know what ‘love’ means. I am also willing to clearly show you how much you mean to me. I…I have prepared myself for this. The past year I have prepared myself for when I would tell you. I just didn’t expect it to be so soon…” I sighed, lowering my gaze to the floor. “I know exactly what the word ‘love’ means and I know exactly what I’m saying when I tell you. I just hope that maybe…well.” I swallowed, sitting in the chair, closing my eyes.  
It was sudden, the heat of Dean’s lips on mine. The force he had placed upon me with that single gesture. He made my heart swell and I wanted to rip it out of my chest and give it to him to keep. I wanted to die like this, in this perfect moment, in this moment that would never be forgotten for the rest of my lifetime. I sighed softly, putting my arms around his neck to pull him closer, surprised when he didn’t pull away. I smiled, brushing my fingers through the hair on his neck and hearing the small grunt form in the back of his throat as he tried to hide the soft moan that I knew wanted to come out. I released him after, opening my eyes to catch his soft green ones before he looked away, clearly embarrassed. I dropped my arms to my sides, watching Dean’s breathing slow and his walk and actions become flustered. It was enjoyable, seeing Dean in this state. I would pay money to see it again.  
When he paced back towards me I grabbed his hand, stopping him in his tracks. “Dean, please. Sit down or something. Breathe. For my Father’s sake, just sit down!” He looked at me quickly when I yelled, his eyes wide. I have never seen them so wide before and it scared me. He shook his head, pulling my hand away. “N-no. I just kissed you, Cas! I just fucking kissed you!” He turned his back to me, shaking his head furiously, his hands covering his eyes. I stood up, resting my hand on his left shoulder, feeling the mark beneath his clothes flare my hand with heat. I was no longer an angel, but the mark still connected us. “Dean, calm down. Just…I don’t know…I’m sorry.” I lowered my hand and opened the room door, turning to look at him sitting on the mattress with his back to me as I shut the door slowly. I headed back to my room, lying on my back on my mattress, staring at the ceiling. _Dean just needed time, of course. New things were difficult for humans, they always were._

It was several hours later when I awoke to loud knocking on my door. I sat up and rubbed my eyes furiously, walking to the door hesitatingly, I noticed it was dark out, maybe they caught up on something and needed my help. It _could_ be the brothers, but who knew with the world they lived in. I opened the door, only to get shoved back, my face gripped and my lips stolen by the man who I had watched over for thousands of years. I heard the door slam behind him as I was pushed to the mattress, my breathing already rapid from the heart spike. I groaned, feeling his hips press against mine roughly. “D-Dean! Are you- are you drunk?! What about Sam? Won’t he get suspicious?” I gasped between his lips, my eyes wide. “No, you dumbass. I’m not drunk, alright? I told Sam I was going to the bar down the street. I had to come see you, I-”  
“What?” The sudden rush of what was happening caused me to lose sight and thought as Dean ripped the shirt over my head, breaking his kisses long enough to make us both topless. I shivered from the coldness of his hands as they roamed up my sides, feeling the ribs in my torso and over my shoulders, causing goose bumps to form on every inch of skin. I bit my lip, closing my eyes. “Dean-“ his lips caught mine again, stopping all progression of my thoughts. I put my arms around his neck again, pushing my fingers into the small hairs. His hands went to my hips, holding them as he kissed me harder, licking my lip before nudging his tongue between them.  
I gasped quietly, allowing him entrance. I didn’t feel a thing with Nora, so every sensation, every emotion running through my mind, it was all new. It was everything I wanted. I had worked for two and a half years for this moment. I wasn’t going to let it pass easily. I made a small moan, feeling Dean’s fingers push themselves under my jeans. Dean removed his lips from mine, placing them on my neck instead. I groaned and moved my head back, my eyes closed tightly. I felt Dean’s hands work furiously on my jeans as he unzipped and stopped his kissing long enough to pull both my jeans and boxers to the floor. I blushed, using my elbows to help me sit up. My erection was clearly visible and I felt my face heat into a thousand suns. Dean smirked, a joke forming in his head. He saw my face and realized that I was embarrassed; he leaned forward, kissing me lightly while pulling off his own bottoms. I moved my arm around his shoulders, kissing him softly. I wanted to hold him forever, just lay with him there forever and never have to worry about anything ever again. But he knew his hopes and dreams were too far off, they could never happen. Not with this life.  
“Dean.”  
“Yeah, Cas?” His breathing was heavy, causing his voice to be soft. I smiled, gripping the hair on Dean’s neck. _I love you_ , I wanted to say, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want him running away again, not when we had gotten so far. I shook my head, kissing him. He pressed himself over me, making me lay back, our lips still connected. “Cas…” he sighed, opening his eyes to meet mine. I quickly closed them again, shaking my head. I knew what he wanted. I wasn’t going to answer him. “Cas, tell me what you wanted to say.”  
“I can’t.”  
“What do you mean, you can’t?”  
“I can’t, Dean. You’ll run away again. You’ll leave me full of regret and I can’t take it. Not after getting this far.” I opened my eyes, looking at the wall across the room. I couldn’t see his face; I didn’t want to see his face. “Cas, seriously…” he shook his head, pressing his fingers to my chin, forcing me to look at him. “Cas, I won’t run away, alright? I won’t leave you. Now that I know you’re vulnerable and you fuck up when you’re on your own…” He ran his hand down my chest, causing me to close my eyes and moan quietly, my face turning red. He chuckled softly, kissing my chin. “I’m a screw-up, I know…” I opened my eyes, meeting his again. “Yeah you are. You’re a huge screw-up, but I’m going to help you. I’ll always be here to help you.” He pressed his forehead to mine, closing his eyes.  
I closed my own, smiling. “Thank you, Dean. For everything.”  
“Shut up. I came here to make you happy, not drip your funky heart all over me.” He smiled and kissed me again, his hand running over my side. I grinned and deepened the kiss, pulling him closer to me. I knew at this moment that this night would be the most incomparable night that I would ever have in my life.


	5. Journey's End

It had been six months since Cas had returned to Dean. Every day was a new adventure and Cas constantly wondered why he didn’t just come back to him first. Every night ended with them both in Cas’ motel room, their legs tangled and their faces flush with heat. They hadn’t told Sam about them, they weren’t sure how. They lied numerous times, telling Sam they were going out to eat, or checking in on something Dean had “found”.

The snow that they had journeyed through for the past several months was finally starting to fade. Valentine’s Day was coming up soon and Cas was worried. He’s never had a Valentine’s Day before and he was curious to know more. He knew asking Dean would be horrible, and if he asked Sam he’d ask questions that he wasn’t prepared to answer. He decided to just go with it, he found flowers and candy at the store and so he bought some, hiding them in the hotel room so Dean wouldn’t find them.

 

Tomorrow was Valentine’s.

 

Dean and Sam had gone out to check on their recent case and he volunteered to stay back. He told Dean he wanted to see him when they returned. It was around 11:30pm when Dean knocked on the door. He got up and went to the door, opening it slowly. Dean just stood there and smiled, holding flowers in his hands. “Hey, Cas.” He said softly, his eyes roaming over my figure. “Dean,” I replied, grinning. “You got me flowers…” he chuckled and let Dean come in, shutting the door behind him. “I, uh…got you something, too.” I moved around the bed and reached under, pulling out the flower and chocolates I had gotten earlier that day. I swallowed and hesitated before holding them out to him. “I…would have gotten more, but I’m not as informative of what valentine’s is, exactly.” I shrugged and looked to the floor, feeling embarrassed.

I felt his arms go around me, hearing the soft thump of his flowers fall on the floor. I smiled and put my arms around his waist, pressing my face against his shoulder. He smelled _so good_. It was silent for a moment, as I enjoyed the warmth of him.

“I love you, Cas.” I felt him smile as he pulled me even closer and I chuckled, kissing his cheek.

“I love you, too, Dean Winchester.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I'm sorry I didn't make it all naughty for you lovely smut lovers. ;) I'm preparing something far better than this for you, I promise.


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